Peace, Happiness and Joy

Everyone longs for that feeling of peace, happiness and joy. But its seems so few find it on a daily basis. I try to seek it each day but its so hard. There are so many obstacles in the way. I think about people who are happy all the time, or seem joyous every time I hear from them or talk to them, and I wonder how they do that. I know all the spiritual rules and recommendations. I have heard it and tried it many times, but I seem to fall short a lot, the majority of the time. I hate getting out of bed in the morning, I have moments where I worry enough for 10 people. This isn't a pity party. I'm not trying to make people feel sorry for me. Just expressing my feelings most days.

But I am happy. I look at my life, what I've done and what I have and know that I am blessed more than I deserve. My husband, family, friends- they are all wonderful and bring happiness to my life. However, all these blessing and joys cant be enjoyed to the fullest. Why is it so difficult to find joy in every circumstance, in every minute. Why do I do what I don't want to do, why do I say things and look back with such regret in my heart for the words that ended up hurting people.

My heart has been in a 6 year drought. I have felt so empty and alone despite all the joys in my life. I finally figured it out. Bitterness. Bitterness has robbed me of the joy I should be experiencing each day. Bitterness has taken the kindness I desire to show and replaced it with hurtful actions and words towards those I love. Worst yet, its uncontrollable. Things happen to fast and then I experience remorse the rest of the day for what I've done. This bitterness started after a couple people I was very close to wronged me. Instead of forgiving them and moving on the situation consumed my heart and my soul. I held on to the hurt and pain. Slowly for the past six or seven years I have let the bitterness creep in. Letting a little in has allowed more bitterness from more recent events envelop my heart even more.

So now I need to fix this, I need to de-bitter my heart and soul. Because I know that when I do, peace, happiness and joy will flood my life again. And if I don't, well, I will be come someone I never want to be.