The problem

Okay, I admit it. I have a problem. I have passively tried to seek help but it hasn't worked. Everyone seems to think I am doing fine and I'm over it. But I'm not. I can't shake this one. I can't push it down deep like the rest of the crap and hope that it goes away. Its not. And it won't.

I'm not myself anymore. I dont feel happiness like I use to. One of my friends asked me the other day if I ever laughed. She said I'm not laughing like I use to. Not laughing at all. But I can't be fake. And I can't control the situations. I dont know when it will hit and I feel like I can't breath. I feel trapped and anxious. Makes planning get togethers with friends hard.

Dont get me wrong. I still love my life and the people in it. Its just one of those things where getting out of bed is sometimes (often) hard. Being motivated to do anything is rare. I feel like my mind is drained of ideas or thoughts. I could sit and stare for hours. If you know me, you know that isn't me.

I stopped drinking coffee. I started better eating habits, been exercising on a regularly. These things didnt seem to help.

Blah. It will get better. Someone told me to focus on the positve things, think about the blessing and the happiness in life. I guess I'll keep trying to do that. And one day, eventually I'll come back to life.

Time Off

I haven't been neglecting this blog. I just haven't been at the computer much. Trying to do other things with my life besides sit and stare at the computer screen hitting "refresh" 10 times to see if I got any emails, or spending tons or hours on facebook looking at people profiles whom I haven't talked to in 8 years. I decided to take two weeks off from facebook. When I did that I realized thats the only thing that is keeping me at the computer was facebook. Once I ban that site I dont have anything to do at the computer (unless its school work). Consequently, I gained many more hours in my day!

Currently Curtis and I are thinking about our future and what we will do next year. We have lots of options, applying for things, yet still leaving our lives open for a change. It can be stressful at times.

I am having a candle problem. All of my candles are burning the wicks down but then I have a ton of wax left over. What am I suppose to do with that?!

I attempted to cook a Chinese meal by myself last night. That included frozen dumplings (we love dumplings) and spicy green beans. The dumplings were great, the green beans were okay, still not right in some way. AND I forgot to turn the rice cooker on before I started cooking everything else. So by the time the rice was done, we were finished eating. BUT on Saturday night one of my good friends is coming over to teach me how to make Curtis and my favorite dishes...so then I'll really know ha ha....

I want it to snow

Well its been a while since I have updated. Things are going okay. Been having weird sleeping patterns and sometimes sleep too much. Sometimes just the right amount then I'm tired all day. Its weird.

I have this problem which I can't figure out. There are just some people I don't feel comfortable around. And when I don't feel comfortable around them I kind of shut off. Its weird and it happens with the most random people. I try to identify the issue of why I feel this why but I simply can not. I don't understand it and I think its just strange. No matter what I do, or what I tell myself I can't get over it and I can't push it aside.

Curtis is a difficult man to buy presents for because he is so simple. And the littlest things make him happy. I just love that about him. Not the shopping part. I LOVE buying people gifts but I always feel so defeated when I think about what to get Curtis. Although I know whatever I get him he'll love, of course. But I like to give presents that mean something or are useful. Well this Christmas I've got it figured out. But don't tell him. Its going to be a GREAT surprise. I'll tell you what it is after Christmas...in case he reads this.

I've been reading some books on Mother Teresa lately. It amazes me the work she did and they way she did it. It is so simple yet so effective. I'm inspired. That's the kind of work I want to do.

Lately I have been really missing being around children. I keep hoping to have some opportunity to encounter some but its a lot harder than you think. Although, I could always go to McDonald's and watch all the little kids play in the play place. Its creepy I know, but I'll take Curtis and orders some food to eat. Then it won't be so creepy.

I think I want to get my masters. But I don't know what I want to get it in. That causes quite the predicament...I can't figure out if I actually want to get my masters or if I just like to study and learn. I was a bit jealous of Curtis this semester that he got to read text books, take note, test and quizzes. I know, that's weird too.

I miss having my girl friends to call and talk to about life and whats happening- so you will be my default random outlet in which I would normally talk to those good friends ha ha.