Today

The last two winter breaks we have had we have spent them traveling, as I'm sure you know. While doing this we get addicted to Coke and Chocolate. I also get addicted to oreos. So now that we are back home we are trying to get back into shape and away from the sweets. So here are my goals. Maybe if I post them on here I will be more accountable....

1. Go on at least a 15 min. walk every day
2. Run/walk 2 miles 2 times a week
3. Do 3 hour long yoga sessions per week
4. One day a week I can enjoy sweets and junk food
5. Do at least 15 mins. of any activity on the non-run/walk days

I don't think these will be that hard for me. But it will get me refocused and that's what I need. I love love love yoga. Its something I can do by myself that relaxes me and makes me feel better about myself. I have found out the love of yoga has planted itself in some of my other friends so I love talking to them about it. Hopefully, as I stay consistent on my goals, we can trade ideas and experiences. I really enjoy sharing ideas with others.

Peace, Happiness and Joy

Everyone longs for that feeling of peace, happiness and joy. But its seems so few find it on a daily basis. I try to seek it each day but its so hard. There are so many obstacles in the way. I think about people who are happy all the time, or seem joyous every time I hear from them or talk to them, and I wonder how they do that. I know all the spiritual rules and recommendations. I have heard it and tried it many times, but I seem to fall short a lot, the majority of the time. I hate getting out of bed in the morning, I have moments where I worry enough for 10 people. This isn't a pity party. I'm not trying to make people feel sorry for me. Just expressing my feelings most days.

But I am happy. I look at my life, what I've done and what I have and know that I am blessed more than I deserve. My husband, family, friends- they are all wonderful and bring happiness to my life. However, all these blessing and joys cant be enjoyed to the fullest. Why is it so difficult to find joy in every circumstance, in every minute. Why do I do what I don't want to do, why do I say things and look back with such regret in my heart for the words that ended up hurting people.

My heart has been in a 6 year drought. I have felt so empty and alone despite all the joys in my life. I finally figured it out. Bitterness. Bitterness has robbed me of the joy I should be experiencing each day. Bitterness has taken the kindness I desire to show and replaced it with hurtful actions and words towards those I love. Worst yet, its uncontrollable. Things happen to fast and then I experience remorse the rest of the day for what I've done. This bitterness started after a couple people I was very close to wronged me. Instead of forgiving them and moving on the situation consumed my heart and my soul. I held on to the hurt and pain. Slowly for the past six or seven years I have let the bitterness creep in. Letting a little in has allowed more bitterness from more recent events envelop my heart even more.

So now I need to fix this, I need to de-bitter my heart and soul. Because I know that when I do, peace, happiness and joy will flood my life again. And if I don't, well, I will be come someone I never want to be.

Mask and Earplugs

All my life I have been a very light sleeper. The smallest noise or light would wake me up instantly. I usually sleep with a fan on and that helps drown out the smaller noises that would usually wake me. Last year one of the girls on our team teaching here in China- Janella, would bring her eye mask and ear plugs on every trip we went on. I honestly thought it was silly but still marvelled at how well she slept amidst the bright lights on the train and the people talking rather loudly, no matter what hour. She would wake up and feel so refreshed while I sat there frustrated that the joint between the cars kept me awake ALL night. The first time I saw her use them I seriously doubted they could be so helpful in drowning out the noise, and I thought it would be very annoying to sleep with something strapped to my head. But after endless nights and trips of watching her wake up so rested, I had to try it. So last summer while were were back in the states I stopped by good 'ol Wal-Mart and got me a "sleep pretty in pink" mask and ear plugs. I may look silly when I sleep but I have sleep on more trips and more nights than I ever would had I not given in to my suspicions and tried those silly things. Planes, trains, hostels and even in some hotel rooms I put the mask on, shove those little things in my ears and I almost sleep as well as Curtis does each night.

During the Lunar New Year here in China, fire crackers go off from 6 in the morning (when the sun comes up) till a couple hours after mid-night on the days surrounding the festival. The majority of these fire crackers are strictly for the noise. There is lights or colored fire that shoots up into the air, no - just loud continuous bangs, one right after another. I wish everyone could see and experience this, annoying as it is sometimes, it truly is amazing. The things they set off are sometimes so huge it scares me to walk by them. They really know how to bring in the new year here in China. And even though my ear plugs can block out all of the bangs, at least they make them softer so I eventually drift off to sleep...

Packing....

I try to live a simplistic lifestyle and for the most part I feel like I do a good job. However when I pack to go on a trip I realize how very non-simplistic I am....IF I packed everything I usually use in one day I would take 2 suite cases and would travel comfortably...That's how we packed last winter for Holiday break. And if you asked me, Curtis or Josh about our packing abilities for that trip we would all tell you we are HORRIBLE packers. Living in China calls for a different style of packing since most of the transportation takes place in tiny cabs, crowded train stations or buses and subways packed to the door with people. We have seen people squeeze onto buses and subways when we thought there was no more room for ANYONE. So carrying two suite cases while traveling in China just isn't possible, if you want to enjoy your vacation.

For this trip Curtis and I are each going to take a backpack. I am taking my backpacking backpack and Curtis is taking his new rather large backpack. We were able to get plane tickets at a cheaper price than train tickets to Xi'an so we will check my backpack once at the airport. I think we did a good job of packing for this trip. Thank goodness its only 5 days. After this trip we are headed to the north, so this will be a good trial at how well we survive on so little. We are only bringing extra pairs of underwear, socks and one other shirt, plus pj's. We might be stinky but at least the backpacks will be light!!!

But back to my simplicity packing. I usually start a day before the trip (if its a short one). Curtis (who only takes 7 mintues to pack) always jokes with me that I should start a week before. This is because I go through about 5 rounds of packing. The first time is in my head. I think about the days and what we could possibly do and all the things I should bring for those possibilities. Then I actually start laying clothes out on the bed, only to realize how much I like most of the clothes in my closet and would feel bad if I left some of them behind, so I throw those in with the already preplanned clothes. Then i stuff it all into my bag and realize its WAY to much...so I take it all out and go through it again. 4 piles - definitely going to take, definitely not going to take, take if there is enough room, and don't take if there isn't enough room. Anyways this process going on for awhile. Then I sleep on it, thinking about my choices while falling asleep and usually while I'm lying in bed trying to wake up. During the sleeping process my mind usually changes drastically and i switch a lot of things out. Then I leave it and go do other things. Come back and so on and so forth. Usually the clothes I think about in the very first step end up being the ones I take. But I can't help myself in going through the other 24 hours of the process. And you would think, with all of the traveling I do it would be really easy to pack. Well now that you've seen into my mind a little, you understand the complexity of packing...

I'll let you know how the choices turned out....Off to Beijing now!!

Now and Then

For the past few months I have been trying to live each day as it comes. To live in the moment, live in that day. Its all been fine and dandy but I realized that I have not motivation. No motivation because I don't think about the future. I don't think about what could come. At first I think I was under the assumption that I shouldn't think about the future because I am not promised the future. But that's not it, in fact if I live my life like that it can get dull and you kind of lose hope. No we aren't promised the future but we can think, dream and plan for the future. We are just not suppose to worry about the future. I have learned not to worry about the future, but while I was learning how to not worry I stopped dreaming and planning for the future. No wonder I have been so down and unmotivated. Basically what I'm trying to say is- we are not suppose to worry about the future, we are suppose to live in the moment because we are not promised tomorrow, but that doesn't mean we can't think about tomorrow, dream about the future and plan for great things that will come.