The problem

Okay, I admit it. I have a problem. I have passively tried to seek help but it hasn't worked. Everyone seems to think I am doing fine and I'm over it. But I'm not. I can't shake this one. I can't push it down deep like the rest of the crap and hope that it goes away. Its not. And it won't.

I'm not myself anymore. I dont feel happiness like I use to. One of my friends asked me the other day if I ever laughed. She said I'm not laughing like I use to. Not laughing at all. But I can't be fake. And I can't control the situations. I dont know when it will hit and I feel like I can't breath. I feel trapped and anxious. Makes planning get togethers with friends hard.

Dont get me wrong. I still love my life and the people in it. Its just one of those things where getting out of bed is sometimes (often) hard. Being motivated to do anything is rare. I feel like my mind is drained of ideas or thoughts. I could sit and stare for hours. If you know me, you know that isn't me.

I stopped drinking coffee. I started better eating habits, been exercising on a regularly. These things didnt seem to help.

Blah. It will get better. Someone told me to focus on the positve things, think about the blessing and the happiness in life. I guess I'll keep trying to do that. And one day, eventually I'll come back to life.

Time Off

I haven't been neglecting this blog. I just haven't been at the computer much. Trying to do other things with my life besides sit and stare at the computer screen hitting "refresh" 10 times to see if I got any emails, or spending tons or hours on facebook looking at people profiles whom I haven't talked to in 8 years. I decided to take two weeks off from facebook. When I did that I realized thats the only thing that is keeping me at the computer was facebook. Once I ban that site I dont have anything to do at the computer (unless its school work). Consequently, I gained many more hours in my day!

Currently Curtis and I are thinking about our future and what we will do next year. We have lots of options, applying for things, yet still leaving our lives open for a change. It can be stressful at times.

I am having a candle problem. All of my candles are burning the wicks down but then I have a ton of wax left over. What am I suppose to do with that?!

I attempted to cook a Chinese meal by myself last night. That included frozen dumplings (we love dumplings) and spicy green beans. The dumplings were great, the green beans were okay, still not right in some way. AND I forgot to turn the rice cooker on before I started cooking everything else. So by the time the rice was done, we were finished eating. BUT on Saturday night one of my good friends is coming over to teach me how to make Curtis and my favorite dishes...so then I'll really know ha ha....

I want it to snow

Well its been a while since I have updated. Things are going okay. Been having weird sleeping patterns and sometimes sleep too much. Sometimes just the right amount then I'm tired all day. Its weird.

I have this problem which I can't figure out. There are just some people I don't feel comfortable around. And when I don't feel comfortable around them I kind of shut off. Its weird and it happens with the most random people. I try to identify the issue of why I feel this why but I simply can not. I don't understand it and I think its just strange. No matter what I do, or what I tell myself I can't get over it and I can't push it aside.

Curtis is a difficult man to buy presents for because he is so simple. And the littlest things make him happy. I just love that about him. Not the shopping part. I LOVE buying people gifts but I always feel so defeated when I think about what to get Curtis. Although I know whatever I get him he'll love, of course. But I like to give presents that mean something or are useful. Well this Christmas I've got it figured out. But don't tell him. Its going to be a GREAT surprise. I'll tell you what it is after Christmas...in case he reads this.

I've been reading some books on Mother Teresa lately. It amazes me the work she did and they way she did it. It is so simple yet so effective. I'm inspired. That's the kind of work I want to do.

Lately I have been really missing being around children. I keep hoping to have some opportunity to encounter some but its a lot harder than you think. Although, I could always go to McDonald's and watch all the little kids play in the play place. Its creepy I know, but I'll take Curtis and orders some food to eat. Then it won't be so creepy.

I think I want to get my masters. But I don't know what I want to get it in. That causes quite the predicament...I can't figure out if I actually want to get my masters or if I just like to study and learn. I was a bit jealous of Curtis this semester that he got to read text books, take note, test and quizzes. I know, that's weird too.

I miss having my girl friends to call and talk to about life and whats happening- so you will be my default random outlet in which I would normally talk to those good friends ha ha.

Another one bites the dust...

I'm a starter. I love to start projects, books or anything else. I am very ambitious so I always have a lot going on at once. I think I talk to Curtis about at least 3 different new ideas everyday that I am going to do...Well, I seem to have troubles finishing those projects, books or anything else... so now I guess I am going to try and become a finisher too... When I have an idea, I am going to follow it through all the way into complettion. At least I'll try.

My first step in practicing to be a finisher would be to finish all of the books I have started. I have SOOO many books. I love books. I see them and have great ideas about reading them, learning tons of infomration then using that knowledge to do something... so I start reading a book. Then I see another book and start to think of all the possibilites. So, I casually set the other one aside, thinking I'll continue to read it, and start a new one. And this process continues...Now I am finishing these books. I have conquered two, just finished one today, now I will start another one. Well I guess I will finish another one. haha....

When China sleeps...

...I walk. After lunch from about 12:30 to 2pm, it is a good assumption that the majority of China is napping. Turns out Mexico isn't the only nation who believe in siestas. During this time, China doesn't seem as populated as it really is. The streets are almost bare and there is an unusual calmness throughout the town. Many of us foreigners actually plan on going to the grocery store during "nap time" to avoid the crowds. We have learned to schedule meeting with students from 2:30pm on in the afternoon if we expect to actually spend time with that person. All of the offices on campus and many of the small side stores are closed. Or in some cases, the store is open but the person working is, in fact, sleeping. Of course you don't want to wake them up so instead you choose not to buy anything and try to slip out without being heard. The elementary, middle and high schools actually let the students out for lunch- they go home, eat and then take a nap. School resumes at 2:30pm. Workers will pull their carts over, on the sidewalk, hop in back, kick their feet up, put their hat over their eyes and enjoy their nap. Its not uncommon to see taxi's, or other random cars, pulled over, windows down, and seats reclined.

Our students and other Chinese friends are a little confused as to why we don't nap during this time. They ask us with perplexed looks "what will you do instead?" as if napping is the only option during this time and to think of doing something else would be - foreign. Guess that's why they call us foreigners

As for myself. I take full advantage of this time. I really enjoy walking but dont prefer to go on walks when ever where I walk in Baoding I am stared at. I understand that it could be the one and only time during their entire life that they actually see a foreigner, but I just want to go on a normal walk. So, when they are all sleeping...I walk.

Man does not live on bread alone...

Monday night in class, we were playing uno, working on our game vocabulary. One of the girls cell phone rang so she went to get it, therefore the game was on pause. Another girl said, umm can I ask a question...I said of course. She said, what does the phrase "Man can not live on bread only but on what God speaks" mean?

Totally random, and cool! Lately I had been asking God to give me opportunities to speak His truth to people. I was talking about little opportunties like: "you are beautiful" or "you are loved" but geezz didn't He go all out.

Anyways, another study opened up.

The Box

There are two boxes in which I love opening. One of them is the Winter Storage Box. I love going to it each year and opening up. These 10 minutes excite me for many different reasons. Inside the box, there are clothes, hats, gloves, wool socks, underarmer (long johns), fuzzy pj's and warm clothes. So, not only do you find clothes you forgot you had, but they are nicely preserved and WARM!

Now, to most of you , this idea of warm clothes may not be very appealing to you since your house is nice heated to a temperature that is warm, you get into a car that has a very good heater to heat your car to a perfect temperature, then go into work, the store, a restaurant, or friends house where it is, again, heated nicely. Well, in China, heat is limited. The government doesn't actually allow companies (most houseing is provided by the company you work for) or schools to turn the heat on until November 15th. So until then, your fingers almost fall off when you teach and you stay bundled up in class, restaurants, and some homes. Last night, my students didnt want to sit down in class, she said it was too cold. She said "These are the hardest times, right now." But after the 15th we'll be warmer.

So now perhaps you understand the excitement of The Box.

Presidential Election

Today, in America, people are voting for the new president. As I watch the results process on cnn.com I suddenly seem to care immensely who will win. During the campaigning time my opinion didn't existent. I could care less, therefore I didn't get an absentee ballot. But as I watch the results unfold, I am very concerned and disappointed that I didn't vote. As much as I would like to believe and portray to others that I don't care - I do. I care a lot. I have a heart for politics. Maybe because that's where justice can be served, or enforced. I know the ultimate justice comes from Above but we, as people, also have the responsibility to make sure our fellow humans on this earth are being treated justly. We have the responsibility to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.

Congratulations President-Elect Barack Obama. I am anxious to see the 'change' in America...